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In Doggerel We Trust

26 Apr

So, the other night while cuddled (in a manly fashion) in bed with my wife, we chanced to watch an episode of DOG: Bounty Hunter. I was amiable toward it. He looks cool, in an eighties rocker sort of way. The theme song is done by Ozzy (and not Ozzy-is-so-sad, but Ozzy-is-rocking). What’s not to love?

Half an hour later, I was incredulous and weirded out. Let’s follow a typical hunt, shall we?

I’m sure I’m not making this up.

DOG: RIGHT, so today we’re going to CATCH a CRIMINAL who has evaded the LAW, which is ILLEGAL!

WIFE: You tell ’em, baby!

DOG-BROTHER: Yeh.

DOG: Her name is CARRIE, and she is our BOUNTY. She’s worth fifteen dollars, dead or alive!

WIFE: That’s my baby’s daddy talkin’!

DOG-BROTHER: Yeh.

DOG-SON: Yo, yo, foshizzle some nizzle hizzle, drizzle! Velveeta!

DOG: Let’s ROLL!

CUT TO CARRIE’S NICE HOME. IT IS VERY CLEAN. THIS IS BECAUSE CARRIE DOESN’T WRITE ANYMORE, OR POST ON HER BLOG, AND THEREFORE HAS PLENTY OF TIME TO CLEAN.

DOG & COMPANY BURST INTO THE HOME THROUGH ALL AVAILABLE ENTRANCES (just left of the front door being an ‘available entrance.’)

DOG: CARRIE, you are BUSTED! You are UNDER ARREST! We’re BRINGING YOU IN!

CARRIE: whflapy?

DOG: She’s PRETENDING to be ASLEEP!

WIFE: Probably ‘pretending’ it’s 3AM too!

DOG-BROTHER: Yeh.

CARRIE: Who the heck are you guys? Am I being invaded by RATT?

DOG: No. I am DOG, the BOUNTY HUNTER. In DOG we TRUST! I’m so sorry, did I waky your hubby? I didn’t mean to. Sorry, sir.

HUSBAND: ……ZZZzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzz…..

CARRIE IS HAULED AWAY INTO THEIR SUV.

CARRIE: What the hell!? Hey, where are you taking me! THIS IS ILLEGAL!

DOG: What is illegal is the sadness in your heart, caused by your bad choices, Carrie.

CARRIE: Er. What?

DOG: Think of me like, like not a bounty hunter, but a Bounty Quilted Quicker Picker-Upper, for your sadness, and for your regret, okay, honey? How old are you, sweetie?

CARRIE: Old enough to legally get away with kicking you in the crotch for asking me that.

WIFE: My baby’s daddy gets ’em! SHEE-OOOT!

DOG-BROTHER: Yeh! Yeh! Yehyehyeh! Yeh eyehheyeheyeheyh yeeheh!

WIFE: Sheee-ooot, all this’un talkin’ got DOG-BROTHER excited. Shat yer trap, DOG-BROTHER, or we puttin’ you in yer cage when’a we get back!

DOG: Carrie, I think that as we travel to bring you in for your bounty, we should say a prayer to Baby Jesus. Because he loves you. Just like I do.

CARRIE: I’m on Punk’d. That’s gotta be it.

DOG: Like the great bounty hunter of hearts said, Won’t you be my neighbor?

THEY DROP CARRIE OFF AT THE POLICE STATION, WHERE SHE PHONES A RIDE HOME AND GOES BACK TO BED SWEARING.

DOG: That was a HARDCORE CASE, fortunately I’m a TRAINED PROFESSIONAL, else I wouldn’t have SURVIVED. Next time, let’s see who tries to escape….THE DOG!

THE END.

(This episode featured music by Earth, Wind & Fire, in violation of the Geneva Articles of War)

….

You think I’m kidding. Go watch the show! It goes from HARDCORE BOUNTY HUNTER one moment to “if you had three wishes, honey, what would they be?” It’s like Rambo combined with Dr. Phil. Except it’s not even Rambo. It’s Charlie Sheen in Hot Shots!: Part Duex combined with…Montel.

Weirdest. Show. Ever.

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5 Comments

Posted by on April 26, 2007 in Uncategorized

 

5 responses to “In Doggerel We Trust

  1. Rllgthunder

    April 26, 2007 at 9:06 pm

    Wow. Just…wow.

     
  2. Carrie

    April 26, 2007 at 9:42 pm

    This’d probably be funnier if I had ever seen the show. *shrug*

     
  3. Pete

    April 26, 2007 at 10:43 pm

    You wouldn’t be more amused, you’d just think I’d recited an episode to you.

    I encourage everyone to watch just one episode. He went from busting a girl for some crime or another and talking about how she’d been on heroine and turning tricks since she was thirteen, to…”If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?”

    Another episode, they made a huge deal out of busting a cage fighter. Then the cage fighter called and said he was REALLY really sorry. So the Dog Bounty Hunter guy posted his bail.

    Dur?

     
  4. Melissa

    April 27, 2007 at 3:27 am

    ROFL

    I HAVE seen it and that’s right on the money, Pete. Dog’s a Born Again Christian (after doing time for murder in the 70s, I think). They don’t carry guns, just giant cans of mace strapped in holsters to their thighs.

    Notice the almost-a-mullet look he sports, complimented by the beads and feather strips he puts in his hair? Dog-wife is a bleach-white-blonde with bozoms the size of TX, too.

    Amusing and… weird.

    Thanks for the mini variety hour.

    *giggle*

     
  5. Pete

    April 27, 2007 at 3:34 am

    I watched two episodes, and they were both so bizarre. He talked about how beautiful it is to help people. It’s like watching Hulk Hogan doing a soft-shoe dance and singing “I just gotta be meeeeee”

    And her chest is HUGE. And they bring her along! She can’t chase anyone like that. Good lord.

    Here I am now, five minutes later. My wife was scrolling through channels and stopped on it. In THIS episode, DOG has a COLD and so he CAN’T GO ON THE HUNT.

    The REALTORS on “Flip This House” are tougher. Honestly.

    *shuffles off with no understanding of the world*

     

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