So, the other night while cuddled (in a manly fashion) in bed with my wife, we chanced to watch an episode of DOG: Bounty Hunter. I was amiable toward it. He looks cool, in an eighties rocker sort of way. The theme song is done by Ozzy (and not Ozzy-is-so-sad, but Ozzy-is-rocking). What’s not to love?
Half an hour later, I was incredulous and weirded out. Let’s follow a typical hunt, shall we?
I’m sure I’m not making this up.
DOG: RIGHT, so today we’re going to CATCH a CRIMINAL who has evaded the LAW, which is ILLEGAL!
WIFE: You tell ’em, baby!
DOG: Her name is CARRIE, and she is our BOUNTY. She’s worth fifteen dollars, dead or alive!
WIFE: That’s my baby’s daddy talkin’!
DOG-SON: Yo, yo, foshizzle some nizzle hizzle, drizzle! Velveeta!
DOG: Let’s ROLL!
CUT TO CARRIE’S NICE HOME. IT IS VERY CLEAN. THIS IS BECAUSE CARRIE DOESN’T WRITE ANYMORE, OR POST ON HER BLOG, AND THEREFORE HAS PLENTY OF TIME TO CLEAN.
DOG & COMPANY BURST INTO THE HOME THROUGH ALL AVAILABLE ENTRANCES (just left of the front door being an ‘available entrance.’)
DOG: CARRIE, you are BUSTED! You are UNDER ARREST! We’re BRINGING YOU IN!
DOG: She’s PRETENDING to be ASLEEP!
WIFE: Probably ‘pretending’ it’s 3AM too!
CARRIE: Who the heck are you guys? Am I being invaded by RATT?
DOG: No. I am DOG, the BOUNTY HUNTER. In DOG we TRUST! I’m so sorry, did I waky your hubby? I didn’t mean to. Sorry, sir.
CARRIE IS HAULED AWAY INTO THEIR SUV.
CARRIE: What the hell!? Hey, where are you taking me! THIS IS ILLEGAL!
DOG: What is illegal is the sadness in your heart, caused by your bad choices, Carrie.
CARRIE: Er. What?
DOG: Think of me like, like not a bounty hunter, but a Bounty Quilted Quicker Picker-Upper, for your sadness, and for your regret, okay, honey? How old are you, sweetie?
CARRIE: Old enough to legally get away with kicking you in the crotch for asking me that.
WIFE: My baby’s daddy gets ’em! SHEE-OOOT!
DOG-BROTHER: Yeh! Yeh! Yehyehyeh! Yeh eyehheyeheyeheyh yeeheh!
WIFE: Sheee-ooot, all this’un talkin’ got DOG-BROTHER excited. Shat yer trap, DOG-BROTHER, or we puttin’ you in yer cage when’a we get back!
DOG: Carrie, I think that as we travel to bring you in for your bounty, we should say a prayer to Baby Jesus. Because he loves you. Just like I do.
CARRIE: I’m on Punk’d. That’s gotta be it.
DOG: Like the great bounty hunter of hearts said, Won’t you be my neighbor?
THEY DROP CARRIE OFF AT THE POLICE STATION, WHERE SHE PHONES A RIDE HOME AND GOES BACK TO BED SWEARING.
DOG: That was a HARDCORE CASE, fortunately I’m a TRAINED PROFESSIONAL, else I wouldn’t have SURVIVED. Next time, let’s see who tries to escape….THE DOG!
(This episode featured music by Earth, Wind & Fire, in violation of the Geneva Articles of War)
You think I’m kidding. Go watch the show! It goes from HARDCORE BOUNTY HUNTER one moment to “if you had three wishes, honey, what would they be?” It’s like Rambo combined with Dr. Phil. Except it’s not even Rambo. It’s Charlie Sheen in Hot Shots!: Part Duex combined with…Montel.
Weirdest. Show. Ever.