Are you there, God? It’s me, Satan.

07 Aug

Before The Dawn of Time:

Hey, God. Sorry to bother you. I know you’re getting ready for your project’s big launch. I was just letting you know we got here okay. I hope you’re not still mad at us. No hard feelings, huh? Really spacious down here. A bit warm, but we’ll manage.

300 Million B.C.:

Hey, me again. I wandered around Earth a bit last week, hope you don’t mind. Nice place, really pretty, great job on the fjords. When I still upstairs, I heard you had Slartibartfast on those. Was that still the case? He did a great job. I’m getting a really red rash all over my body and wings from the heat. I think I’m allergic to brimstone, which is weird, ’cause there’s a lot of it. No fun. Gotta go.


Hey, I just wanted to say sorry really quick. I know you were keen on that man and woman and all, but she was having such an issue with that diet thing of hers, you know, I didn’t think it’d hurt, so I was all like ‘fruit’s great for you.’ Totally didn’t know what was up with that tree. I am all about making that up to you.

354 A.D.:

Hi. I know they were going on about what I was up to on Earth, so this is just an FYI to let you know I wasn’t doing anything. It’s all weird down there. I never know how to act. I know, I know, “when in Rome, do like the Romans,” but when I was in Rome, it was weird. So I’ve been working from home. Hope things are okay there. We tried putting in a cooling system, but all I get is sulfur out of it. Really sucks. Later.


Hey, God. I know they’re going on and on about me getting into the music scene, you know, but I’m really not. I don’t get that rock and roll stuff at all. I’m big into classical and blues, you know, so I try to enjoy that whenever I’m on Earth. It’s a shame that when they die, they go up there. All I get down here are rock and rollers and these guys from ghettos who talk in rhyme to beats. I don’t know what to do with them. I gave them the sulfur cooling system.


I know you don’t normally tell people this stuff — tight-lipped guy, you are! ha ha! — but I was wondering if the world was REALLY ending? Do I need to be clearing room for the final arrivals? Only we’re pretty full right now. This free-verse poetry thing has really filled up our nooks and crannies. BTW, I thought that Y2K thing was a hoot! You’re such a kidder.


Emo kids: not me. Can I not have them when they go? Honestly, the grunge folks are bad enough. Also, WTF is up with Scientology? Sometimes, I just don’t get your jokes.

Gotta go. Later.



Posted by on August 7, 2007 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “Are you there, God? It’s me, Satan.

  1. Lori

    August 7, 2007 at 4:29 am


  2. Clare

    August 8, 2007 at 9:38 pm

    Ha. Ha. Ha.

    God’s going to smite you with a lightening bolt for this one.
    Oh well.
    At least it was funny. 🙂


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