Oof. What a long afternoon. Long enough that it’s now eleven o’clock (an hour past my bedtime, now that I am Old And A Parent) and I’m still too wide awake to sleep.
Not a big day because I got a lot of writing done. I only wrote maybe four hundred words (pretty good words, though). And not because of Zach, he was quite well behaved. Nah, it was a long day because I officially signed off of AW. ‘For keeps.’
Of course, ‘for keeps’ is about as permenant as ‘forever’ and it doesn’t matter what age you are, ‘forever’ is about as effective as a six year old going I’ll be angry forever! It lasts until the next shiny comes along. Writers are mostly six-year-olds who talk too much and think too much (I’m an optimist; some writers don’t think nearly enough).
But still, I left. It was nerve-wracking and exhausting to type up the post, it was increasingly heartbreaking to read the posts that followed (and with every single one that I read, I thought was this the right thing to do? and became increasingly uncertain).
My reasons why are still my own, although I am noticing (he says quietly, vaguely, unhelpfully) that they are reasons which a number of people seem to be aware of and share, and that bolsters my confidence that this is the right thing to do.
I will say: It’s not because I’m struggling to focus on my writing. I’m really not. Except for days like today, when I’m just tired (I had a bit of a flu over the weekend, I think it was leftover from that). I write pretty well and I can take or leave AW as I need to, these days. I couldn’t always, but I could these days.
There’s no real point around this post. Just the late-night ramblings of someone who’s wide awake, darn it.
Okay, something interesting, I guess: I have told my wife about an invention of mine who pops up now and then at night and cares the crap out of me. She (the invention) has gotten more refined ove the years. I call her the Onion-Eyed Girl. Which is to say her eyes are the color of little white pearl onions. Recently, I realized that her hair is always damp and when you lean over the edge of your bed and look at her, lying under your bed, she alwyas opens her mouth and nothing comes out but the sound of gurgling water.
(You think that’s weird, you should see how she looks when she turns up exactly and vividly pictured in my brain at night and I wind up sleeping on my back because I’m too creeped out to roll over)
Anway, tonight I realized that what made her even more freaky is that her onion-eyes aren’t normal people sized, they’re really big. LIke if you stretched your eyelids open all the way? A bit bigger than that. Big, big white empty eyes and the open mouth gurgling.
…Okay. And I’m sitting in a dark living room by myself.
On AW, one of my profile notes pointed out that I was still scared of the dark if I populated it correctly. now you have an idea of how I populate it.
And, creeped out, I am going to go hide in bed next to my sensibly sleeping wife.