Sim Pete (Hiatus)

17 Nov

Today, we’re going to have an interesting and eco-centristic discussion on how the socio-political conditions in the Western Hemisphere, as dictated by the multimedia mass market, have influenced the leadership and decision making abilities of our kids.

Ha ha!

Actually, we’re going to talk about video games. The ultimate death knell to any writer who wants to get some work done.

My wife plays The Sims 2 on occasion. I know she enjoys it, because she gets Very Angry Indeed (on occasion) at those dirty rotten scoundrels, the Sims. I admit, I play it too because frankly, it’s hard to resist.

So we have The Sims 2. We have The Sims 2 Nightlife. What more could you need for a happy life?

My Sim, after much careful consideration, was named Pete. He lives by himself in a rather nice house. He is astonishingly good looking.

You see this guy?

I look nothing like him. My Sim was WAY hotter, dude.

Anyway, he’s got a nice house with lots of interesting stuff. A stereo. A TV. A bookcase. A telescope. A refrigerator. All the comforts and conveniences of real life. I played for a number of hours.

This generally a day in the life of my Sim:

1) Wakes up a bit late in the morning, because he was up late the night before.

2) Does not put on a shirt. Wears pants, only because he slept in them.

3) Goes into the kitchen. Eats. Leaves dishes on the counter where, in the Sims’ fun and cheerful graphic manner, the dish spoils and turns into a radioactive green pile with a fly buzzing around it. Ha ha!

4) Drops the Cosby Kids off at the pool.

5) Sits down at the computer.

6) Writes.

7) Has dinner.

8) Dances to music and chats with some random person on the telephone (because without social interaction, the dreaded Social Bunny appears and your Sim makes best friends with a mop, or a Styrofoam cup with a doodle face on it. If I were a woman, I’d start treating a sack of flour as a baby, so it could be worse.

9) Makes a final delivery for the night.

10) Goes to bed.

….And that’s my Sim’s life. After several hours of this I realized that I was sitting, at a computer, after having breakfast, not wearing a shirt, playing a game in which I was sitting at a computer, after having breakfast, not wearing a shirt, writing. I realized there was something very deeply wrong with this and quit the game, so that if I was going to Not Write, I was going to Not Write on my own behalf, damn it.

If there’s a moral to this story, it’s this: When playing a life simulator, you will probably be as boring as you are in real life. Sorry. Play something where you shoot large guns at Ninja Nazi Zombie Eskimo Mutants. Statistically speaking, very few of us do that in real life.

A final note.

Let me tell you how, upon closer inspection, my wife plays the Sims 2. She’s got it all figured out, since “working” is a pain in the ass way to make money.

1) She dates other Sims until they are very fond of her (Yeah, we’re talkin’ the WooHoo stage; guys AND girls.)

2) She invites them to move in with her.

3) When they move in, their assets and simoleans are added to your treasury, since you’re living together now.

4) She guides them into a small room and then sells the door AND LEAVES THEM TO DIE.

Money in the bank. The downside, she tells me, is that there’s a creepy row of gravestones in the backyard and the ghosts appear to terrorize her Sim a lot. But the plus is, her Sim has enough money to just go somewhere else and have a wild party.

…I really hope the moral to this story isn’t the same as the moral to my above story.

Oh, speaking of, I have to go; she says I can have a loaf of bread today for being so good. She’s even going to let me out for ten minutes.

Meanwhile, say hello to my little friend.

(this column, as well as the columns for the next several days, were originally posted on BBT Magazine’s web-site. Thanks to the beautiful nature of time stamps, they are going to appear for your viewing pleasure on this site, over the course of the next week or so. I’m not even on the computer. I hope you enjoy them nonetheless.)


Posted by on November 17, 2007 in Uncategorized


3 responses to “Sim Pete (Hiatus)

  1. MidnightMuse

    November 17, 2007 at 7:10 pm

    So, let me get this straight – when YOU play, you’re single and live a happy life sitting around shirtless at a computer. When your WIFE plays, she lures people in, steals their money, and leaves them to die?

    You haz insurance, no?

  2. Soccer Mom

    November 17, 2007 at 9:33 pm

    Hmmm. And Pete is still alive somewhere off the grid. Why of course he is. She hasn’t really killed him. Nooooooooooo.

    Keep believing that one, Kristine.

  3. MidnightMuse

    November 17, 2007 at 9:46 pm

    Well yanno, for all WE know we’ve been talking to Pete’s wife for weeks now !


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