I am coming to you live from the university, where I have taken shelter inside of some sort of rudimentary library facility. The situation outside is growing worse by the minute. Students are flooding all over the place and many of them are speaking — to each other or on cellular phones, it is hard to say at this time. It is increasingly dangerous. I have heard one local discuss how his girlfriend bitched bout wantin the car but he had to get to class so she could walk her ass round. I suspect this is some sort of primitive method of communication, but could not remain to listen further, as even that brief engagement resulted in a lowering of my IQ by dangerous amounts.
Also, a statement has been issued on behalf of Row G, in the Ethnomusicology class, to the woman sitting two down from your faithful corrosspondent, and it reads as follows: “Seriously, lady, shut your maw for thirty seconds at a time. I don’t care if you’re in band, I don’t have any interest in your Rugby, and I seriously doubt you get recognized allllll the time because you play the cowbell.” This statement is indicitive of the situation, here in the danger zone. Asked for a comment, a local student — named Peter Tzinski — replied “I will run out of teeth before I run out of throats,” but we were in the field recognize that this may be some sort of euphemism and not at all hostile.
It appears the library has been occupied as well, I am seeing swarms of students, many of them using mobile devices to keep in contact. I am going to have to make a retreat.
Rocky Stonewall, College News.