I don’t know if you get this or not:
It will be late at night, and I will be extremely tired. But there is a huge amount of work which has got to be done with no other option by the next day, or so. I have no choice but to knuckle down and work.
I go grim. I don’t tend to listen to much music, I’m not cheerful (I’m not mean or angry either). I’m not thinking stuff or bouncing around the house. I go “gray,” as I think about it. I just flatten out and stoically do whatever it is.
I love it. It’s exhausting and stoic and grim and all of that, and I love being in that state, even as I hate it and wouldn’t seek it out.
Yeah, I know; it makes no sense to me either.
I also love being sleep-deprived and staying up until lunatic hours because of working. BUT the reason I don’t stay up all night is, from about 4 AM on to morning, I get this deep chill in my bones, this sort of sickening feeling in the back of my mind and stomach when I realize the night is gone and just hate, hate, hate being awake. It’s that phase I can’t stand, so I never stay up the whole night through.
I’m up late writing small articles for anthropology. I am tired and want to go to bed. I’m not that gray, but I’m definitely nosing into the room. And now I’ve just written a small blog post about it. So that’s all right.
And in case it all sounded angst-ridden or something, I’ll end with this:
*cheerful wave and then heads off into the kitchen to pour a cup of fresh hot delicious Lady Grey tea*